


Not I

by Neffectual



Series: 104 Reasons to Stay Alive [11]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:41:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2028861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin had said that they would never be lovers. Levi goes out of his way to prove him wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not I

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from 'Not I' by I Fight Dragons.

_Everything you plant will die_

_The seasons all will pass you by_

_All your plans will go awry_

_So, who's afraid to live?_

_Not I._

“We won’t be lovers.” Erwin had said, and Levi had called him on his bullshit, because that was clearly what it was, but he’s kept that promise so far, keeping his distance, and only a hint of lust underneath everything else he keeps buttoned up. The man’s an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a uniform Levi wants to remove with his teeth, and he can’t understand Erwin’s reticence to let him. It could be age difference – nearly eight years between them and a gulf which stretches further when you realise Erwin has already gone to war – but Levi doesn’t think that’s it, not really. It’s a convenient excuse, when Levi sits on his desk like he knows what he wants, and Erwin turns to water his desk plant instead, looking away. The two of them converge more and more often now, Erwin the youngest commander the Scouting Legion has ever had, and Levi a captain, rising in the ranks to command his own squad. There is little which passes between them, despite this, and Levi pushes for more every time, his hand on Erwin’s shoulder, his mouth curving into a smirk when he bends over, the way his harness is just a little too tight some days. He knows Erwin watches, feels him shiver, feels his gaze rake over him in a way which sets Levi’s heart pounding. No, perhaps not lovers, perhaps not yet, but Levi is determined that this will be the case, one day.

 

_Everyone you know will lie_

_Those you trust will make you cry_

_All hellos end with goodbye_

_So, who's afraid to love?_

_Not I._

The first time is when Levi’s squad has their first loss, and he’s a raging ball of fear and grief, needing to take it out on someone. Erwin pins him down and keeps him still, and by the time Levi is coming, he’s crying, too, heartbroken and lovesick all at the same time. After that, Levi couldn’t keep his hands off Erwin if he wanted to, and kisses are stolen in cupboards and corners, in broad daylight and in bed, on the training grounds and behind the storage barns, Levi wanting Erwin in any way the older man will let him. He’s in love, he knows it, puppy love, the way a young soldier looks up to a superior, that’s what he tells himself. He enjoys the sex, but the emotions which surge under his skin make him way, the way his body sings out at every touch Erwin gives him. He crawls for every crumb of affection, because he’ll take what he can get.

“You’ll be the death of me.” Erwin pants out one night, and it makes Levi want to freeze, stock still, because he doesn’t want to be the death of him, wants to breathe life into him, keep him stable and upright and perfectly untouchable, in a way which no man truly is.

“As if I’d let you off that easily.” he manages to say, trying to keep the tone light. In his heart of hearts, however, he knows that Erwin is probably right. It is, after all, always his fault.

_Liars look you in the eye_

_You will fall before you fly_

_And no one here can tell you why_

_So, who's afraid to laugh?_

_Not I._

“How could I know when you don’t tell me anything?”

“This wasn’t something you needed to know!”

“Well, clearly it was, because I’ve been thinking this was something it’s not, haven’t I?”

Shouted, angry words, tense and stressed fly in the commander’s room, Levi still near the door, hand on the handle, snarling.

“I said we would never be lovers.” Erwin says, and his voice is calm, which irritates Levi all the more.

“And yet, you’ve been sticking your dick in me for nearly a year.” Levi spits, disgusted, although he’s not sure who he’s more upset with – Erwin for lying, or himself for believing it all, “You’re a coward, Erwin Smith. What the fuck could be so terrible about the idea of me loving you?”

He didn’t meant to say the words, didn’t meant to use them as fresh poison, wanted the moment to be special, meaningful, but they’re out in the open now, and Erwin’s face goes white.

“You don’t love me.”

Levi shakes his head and laughs, a bitter, hollow sound from one so young.

“You have no idea about me,” he says, and the smile on his face is sharp, nothing to do with humour, “Which I guess is just how you like it.”

Erwin shakes his head.

“You don’t understand, the things I’ve done, the things I’ve seen – ”

“If this is going to be some fucked up way of telling me I’m too good for you, you can shut up right now.” Levi hisses, knuckles white where his hands are clenched into fists, “You just have to trust me.”

Erwin looks genuinely sorry for a moment, before his face resolves into that blank poker face he’s so good at.

“I don’t trust anyone.”

_Everything you plant will die_

_Those you trust will make you cry_

_And no one here can tell you why_

_So, who's afraid to live?_

_Not I._

They lie curled together, legs tangled, and Levi is half-asleep when Erwin kisses his cheek. He makes a tiny, pleased noise and nuzzles into the contact, before turning over to sleep. So they’re not perfect. So they have their cracks, their flaws, their problems. Nevertheless, they are together, still alive, and still Levi’s hand grips Erwin’s remaining one, holding tight like he’s afraid that if his grasp slips, Erwin will be gone. Erwin grips back just as tightly. Erwin had been afraid of so many things – of hurting Levi, of using him, of ruining him – that he couldn’t see that all Levi wanted was him, all of him, every second of pain, every ounce of hurt. With their walls finally gone, Levi still never hears ‘I love you’, but he doesn’t need it, doesn’t need to when he can see it in every movement Erwin makes, when he can feel it in every heart-fluttering kiss.

“I said we would be lovers.” he says, quietly, and Erwin laughs, a deep rumble of sound which makes Levi smile every time.

“We always have been.” Erwin replies, softly, and just like that, Levi knows that, whatever the world throws at him, he will be ready. He will overcome every insurmountable object in his path for just another second like this, just another moment.

His hand curls into Erwin’s, more gentle now, and Levi lets himself drift off to sleep.


End file.
